Gin In Teacups

I've decided that men love dirty girls, here are 8 reasons why

2011-04-25T20:57:00.004+01:00

1. Tropical Batiste

Batiste is a dry shampoo that you spray on your hair when you haven't washed it for a couple of days (Okay, okay, a week......and a half) There are a few different "flavours" but I have had so many compliments from men when I have used the tropical one. The best being "OH MY GOD! YOU SMELL LIKE A FRUIT SALAD"

2. My Ex-housemate

This girl was ADORED by men. They would literally fawn all over her. But she was really, really scruffy. She ate a lot of tomatoes and would leave the pips and juice all over the work surface. Have you ever tried to get dried tomato pips off a kitchen work surface? I HAVE. You need a chisel and a blow torch for that shit.

3. My Other Ex-housemate

See above and add a piece of toast...on a broken plate...next to her bed...for two months.

4. The Vomit Snog

Three separate males have snogged me less than half an hour after witnessing me vomit (one during) I suppose this says something about me also but I don't care.

5. Prostitutes?

6. Non-straightened hair

One lad once said of my curly/wavy non-straightened hair "I like it, you look shagged out" erm, thanks?

7. Vajayjay as Perfume

I read once, in Cosmopolitain or some equally awful magazine, that you should stick your finger in there and then RUB IT BEHIND YOUR EARS to attract men with your natural pheromones.* That isn't just dirty, that's dirrrrrrty. And speaking of dirrrrrrty;

8. Men liked thisShe looks like she's been living under an oil rig.

*Do not google this. I reckon I'm on a register somewhere because of the weird shit I google.

A complaint I wrote on my iPhone on a 45 minute train ride that I feel is more deserving than the £10 gift card it elicited.

2011-03-28T21:19:00.003+01:00

Dear Sir/Madam,

The service I witnessed this morning in your ***** coffee in Liverpool Station was so bad that I have to complain about it.

I joined the queue as it was nearly out of the door safe in the knowledge that I had nearly 25 minutes until my train so I could wait. After about 5 minutes however I realised I hadn't really moved much and began watching the staff to figure out what was going on.

They were basically the slowest human beings I've ever witnessed close up. It was like watching a live reenactment of a hangover. One guy was staring out of the window, flexing his shoulder as if he was concerned something was wrong with it. The second guy was cleaning up a massive spill he'd made and giggling about it, trying to attract the attention of his colleagues so they could have a giggle too. The girl was wandering about at a snails pace doing, well, I have no idea what she was doing. There were certainly no drinks being made.

I saw the first guy cut a customer off mid order as the girl came back behind the counter (no idea where she'd been) saying "actually, she'll serve you" then that customer had to wait another couple of minutes, while shoulder guy and giggle guy had a bit more of a giggle at the coffee machine, until the girl felt ready to turn around and serve.

Actually writing this now I don't know why I didn't leave. Caffeine is obviously a serious addiction.

So now it's my turn, thank god for that. The conversation that followed between me and the girl:

Me: "could I have a small iced mocha to take out please?"
The girl: "we only do small or medium"
Me: (confused) "....a small then?"

I asked if I could pay by card and she answered with a grunt and walked off. I took this to mean "yes certainly madam! Please place it in the card reader and wait for the prompt on screen" I'd spent so long in their habitat I was starting to understand the language, and the spillage all over the table was starting to look pretty funny as well (giggle giggle)

Back to the story, I stood there for another couple of minutes ignored until shoulder guy had to walk over and give me my receipt.

After a minute long search for ice the girl finally began to make my drink she sloshed a load of milk about (some of which landed in my cup) while I fretted about my train, which was now only 7 minutes away. As she completed the drink she knocked the lid on the floor then walked off, I assumed to get a new one but Id been in the presence of these people for about four days now - I should have known better! She just wandered about for a bit then until giggle guy stopped giggling long enough to realise it needed a lid and get one (took him a couple of tries to get the right size, bless him, but he got there in the end!)

So here I sit on the train, sweating because I had to run for it, sipping possibly the worst iced mocha (small) I've ever tasted. I'm going to have to throw it away, actually, I might spill it all over the train table, for a laugh.

Yours sincerely,

Sarah Jane

Would a fall from a first storey bathroom window kill a spider?

2010-09-09T22:02:00.000+01:00

Just wondering.

So funny

2010-08-18T19:37:00.002+01:00

There's been an advert on the telly...

2010-07-20T23:02:00.005+01:00

...this past week for a one off programme called "My Weird and Wonderful Family" (Afraid I can't find it online to show you)

It's a documentary about a gay couple who have 3 children and I think there's been a lot of media interest in their situation over the years.

There's this one part of the advert where their oldest son (he seems about 8 or 9) says this:

"A boy at school said I was gay, and I said
'does it matter?'"

That one little quote has choked me up EVERY time.

If that clip isn't the best argument for allowing same sex couples to have/adopt/foster children then I don't know what is.

I love this blog

2010-07-02T22:32:00.006+01:00

It's like a huge reminder of all the things I say I'm going to do but never did.

I know that should be depressing, but I find it quite funny. So funny, in fact, that I'm going to LOL all the way to my ROLFcopter.*

I heard a new phrase for fanny fart today - Hippo Giggles.

Isn't that beautiful? I just wanted to share it with you.

*I probably won't do this.

I don't understand a word you just said.

2010-04-10T22:34:00.002+01:00

I'm back at my mum's house for the weekend.

Translation: I am sat in my pyjamas alone on a Saturday night with nothing fun to do, eat or drink. I feel like an 18 year old virgin again.

I do have internet access, though...hurrah!

But all that really means is I am googling "Jason Segel Girlfriend?" and refreshing Twitter every 40 seconds.

(I really fancy him. I don't know what it is.)

Anyway I got to thinking about when I used to blog loads and so did PoPo, MadEthel, Tim, Beebers, Rit...(I know VP, Jen and Pixie still blog I'm not leaving you out :)

Anyway I FUDGING loved those days. I wish I'd never deleted Fuzzy Muffin, I'd love to read through all that shit I wrote.

75 Points for naming the film the title's from.

Dear Lady At The Gym,

2010-04-08T19:55:00.002+01:00

It may have been nice for you to watch me put my thong on; but it wasn't nice for me to put my thong on while you watched.

Please avert your eyes in future.

From Sarah, with love.

What's with all the sadness in the blogosphere?

2009-02-03T18:35:00.002Z

Everyone watch this and be happy, ok?

I just thought of a better title for my last post

2009-01-28T13:32:00.003Z

"I read Twilight and all I got was this lousy sequel"

Too bad it's so late.

Too bad I can't think of a full post.

Too bad I'm on a diet and had to leave work so as not to dive face-first into the lovely buffet they were having for someone's birthday.

Oh, how I'd love a sausage roll right now.

I read Twilight.

2009-01-26T21:41:00.003Z

And I liked it.

I did!

But I thought the ending lacked any oomph and I didn't feel any desire whatsoever to read the next one. Sorry guys.

Too bad an obsessed Twilight fan at work found out I was reading it and gave me New Moon which I now have to read. She's also promised to give me the other two and she likes to discuss the plot and characters in detail so I can't even pretend I've read them!

Gah! Sometimes I am too polite for my own good.

Old man socks

2009-01-13T19:02:00.002Z

Mark always leaves his socks at mine, so the other day when I couldn't find any of my own I put his on. Odd of course. Later on I said "I hope you don't mind me wearing your socks?" and he looked at them. Then untucked his legs from underneath him, and we both had the same odd socks on!!!!!!

He wanted to swap but I wanted to take a picture.

Made me chuckle anyhow! Sorry it's so blurry.

It's not a "diet" diet. It's just a diet. Y'know?

2009-01-13T18:27:00.002Z

People get very strange when you go on a diet.

The girls at work were annoyed at me when I wouldn't have pizza for lunch with them and one girl actually shouted at me when I wouldn't eat any birthday cake (One of the girls had a birthday on Friday) She went "Just eat it. Eat it. JUST EAT IT SARAH"

Whoah. It was awkward.

I may not be fat but I've got an extra couple of stone I don't need to have (I've been told to lose it by a doctor) and now that I've found the will power to carry it out I am not going to ruin it by eating some chocolate cake just because you feel bad that you JUST SCARFED DOWN TWO SLICES IN LESS THAN 30 SECONDS.

Ok?

Emails

2009-01-11T16:47:00.003Z

About four years ago I found the blog of one of my favourite authors and saw that she had an email address. For some reason I felt the need to email her and tell her how much I love her books and as soon as I hit send I was so embarrassed. I couldn't believe I'd sent such an overtly mushy email that one of my idols could turn around and laugh at.

She emailed me this the following day:

"Hi Sarah

I think this is the first time I've actually replied to someone,

instead of sending out a bounce back email, which directs them to my

blog. Though, I should point out that it's a very detailed, caring,

FAQ-containing bounce back email. Mainly because of time constraints,

mainly because I've learnt that it pays to be circumspect.

But you, you lovely girl, I had to just let you know how much your

email really touched me, especially as it came in the middle of a

really icky week. It was great to hear you talk about the stuff I used

to write for J17. I was incredibly proud of what we achieved on the

Sev, in it's little golden monthly renaissance, though recently I was

flicking through a couple of issues that I hadn't looked at for years

and I was amazed that we got away with what we did or that we had any

readers at all!

So I just wanted to thank you for writing, it really gave me a boost.

I think you were far too kind but as I'm just about to spend the rest

of the year at home trying to knock my adult novel into shape or

manage three chapters at least so I can get an agent (nope, I don't

have one of them!) I shall read your email at least once a day to

remind me why I do this.

And I do this solely because of the girls like you who get it. Who

totally get it. So, hey, let me thank you!

Take care"

Two years ago I was coming to the end of my relationship and having a bit of a shit time. I'd been reading the blog of an Etsy seller who I'd gotten a little crush on and one night when I was drunk and had some trouble over boys, I messaged him. Again, the following morning I was mortified. But he replied as well.

Nowadays he's my best friend. I went to work for him in NYC for the summer and realised he was gay and that I didn't fancy him in real life although he is incredibly handsome! We absolutely adore each other and could easily be brother and sister. We got asked a lot in NY if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we used to scrunch up our faces and go "Eww no! He's my brother!" haha

A few months ago I emailed a high profile blogger who was having a rough time to offer some encouragement. I felt embarrassed again.

I didn't get a reply. I felt even more embarrassed.

Today I emailed a blogger who's blog is just amazing. She's been getting hateful comments from an anonymous person and instead of emailing to say how great she is, my email consisted of a profile of her commenter as a sad little man with a tiny willy and horrendous body odour. I'm so embarrassed right now. I'm thinking of all the reasons she'll hate my email.

The internet makes people too accessible these days. Which makes it so much easier to embarrass yourself. But from past experience I know that two times out of three it works out ok. Well, amazing really. I also know that if it were me, I'd really appreciate a word of encouragement from a caring stranger. So I'm going to continue doing it. Even though I can't bring myself to look at my inbox right now.

I laughed SO HARD at this.

2009-01-08T20:54:00.004Z

So I thought I'd share it with you.

This poor man, who must be absolutely mortified

, slipped out of his ski lift. His ski boot got caught in the lift but not before his pants ripped off leaving him hanging upside down flashing hundreds of "elitist Vail skiers"

You might have already seen it but whatever. There is literally no way you can look at this picture too much.

100 New Years Revolutions* (that I may or may not keep)

2008-12-31T14:51:00.003Z

Read more
Blog more often
Finish the first roll of film in my Holga
Add more film and keep going
Get fit
Stay fit
Eat better
Drink less alcohol
Drink more water
Force Mark to use his amazing idea for a first novel so I can read it
Think up my own amazing idea
Follow things through
Learn to play the piano (properly)
Walk more
Make some new friends
Go to New York
Figure out a way to not have to come back
Pick up tennis again
Pick up a flute again
Stop worrying about money
Start an Etsy shop
Be nicer
Stop being lazy
Change my bed sheets more often
Take more pictures
Get my hair cut more than once a year
Find a place to live alone
Flourish
Be more interested
Talk less about myself
Go to the dentist
Carry a notebook around
Use a diary
Spend more money on clothes
Spend less money on food
Use my sewing machine more often
Find a new TV show to get into
Go to the cinema more often
Knit in public
Do something special on Valentine's day
Do karaoke
Learn how to make at least one cocktail
Drink more champagne
Commit to my job
Stop letting my lack of self confidence control me
Learn to overcome aspects of my social phobia that I haven't yet
Be more forgiving of people
Chill out
Wear my hair curly now and again
Smile at strangers
Book train tickets in advance
Be more aware
Stop bitching
Be the person who instead gives a considered response and nothing more when everyone else is bitching
Meet Scarlett Johansson
Become her best friend
Meet James Franco
Lick his face
Spend less time on Facebook
Try to remember more
Have more sex
Kiss more
Worry less about PDA
Buy more art
Make more art
Speak to my family more
Remember to take my own bags to the supermarket
Stop letting my hate for some people consume me
Buy fresh flowers once in a while
Buy fresh fruit once in a while
Buy a new pair of glasses
Don't lend people my DVDs
Go to bed earlier
Get up earlier
Keep in touch with people
Cry
Don't force myself to do things I don't want to because "that's what normal people do"
Be more spontaneous
Be more adventurous
Trust my instincts, they've been good to me
Fight for what I know is right
Be inquisitive
Stop putting things off
Pay back my overdraft
Remember to make a wish at 11:11
Stop slouching
Use the dimmer switch in my bedroom
Find my own style
Don't get another Blackberry unless I'm definitely going to use it's features (that I pay extra for...)
Charge up my phone instead of letting it run right down
Don't feel guilty about not wanting people to touch/use MY STUFF!
Stop wishing I could be someone else
Travel somewhere I've never been before
Go to see more comedy
Listen to music
Recognise Jealousy in myself and others and then let it go
Continue to screen print
Wear more nail polish
Learn more about using make up
Don't beat myself up if I don't keep any of these

Happy New Year people!

*I always say this by accident.

Very Berry Chewing Gum.....

2008-12-15T22:18:00.003Z

...is so tasty it hurts.

Does anyone watch Flight of the Conchords? Random I know but Mark's singing one of their songs. We absolutely love it but hardly anyone's seen it over here.

Hello.

2008-12-15T00:30:00.002Z

I'm sorry I haven't been around much, to comment on your posts and write my own. Truth be told I've been a bit embarrassed that I started this new little bloggy blog then didn't really have anything to say.

Now I'm pissed from my second work's night out, pissed at my boyfriend and ignoring his phone calls I have a little something to say....

I see myself as quite a rational person. I always put myself in other people's shoes and instruct other people to do the same. My boyfriend and his friends even had a conversation the other night about how much more rational I am than most girlfriends. In light of all this I can still be THE MOST irrational person on the planet.

Tonight I went out on the understanding that my boyfriend (let's call him Mark, as that is his name) was going to go back to his friend's house at the end of the night while I went home 'cause I had work the next day. Here is the end of the night and I'm pissed off at him, hanging up the phone and ignoring his calls all because I decided I wanted him to come home with me.

As much as I know this completely and utterly a stupid way to react I CANNOT for the life of me turn my anger around. I am so angry at him I could scream but in my head I know I'm being amazingly stupid. Now here is the part that's difficult to swallow...

...I blame this entirely on being a woman.

Told you.

Brooke Hogan got a hard time (as far as I remember) for saying that there couldn't be a woman president because of the hormones. As much as I know this will piss most women off and kick the feminist movement in the.......ovaries?? I kind of see where she's coming from.

Maybe it's my selfishness of wanting Mark with me all the time but I know that quite often things like this happen where I'm kicking and screaming at someone or something and in my head I'm thinking "Woman! Settle down. You don't even think what you're saying is logical, why should anyone else?"

Feminists, feel free to hurt me now.... (I'd rather you told me you sometimes felt the same, though)

Can't......blog......constantly.....tired.

2008-12-10T08:23:00.003Z

So watch this and laugh and have it stuck in your head too.

Witches and Markets and Starbucks, Oh my!

2008-12-06T10:23:00.002Z

I'm back in Tottington for the weekend after coming to see my sister in "The Crucible" last night. She's in her final year of drama school and played Mary Warren, brilliantly if I do say so myself.... She's always stood out as dramatic and from an early age we knew she'd be an actress, she's always been incredibly funny even if she wasn't meant to be making people laugh.

One thing that stood out to me last night was how I didn't laugh at her once! When she was in High School she would have the whole audience crying with laughter even if she was supposed to be in a serious role. So it hit me last night how far she's come as an actress to be able to control the natural comedic way about her. To control something that most of the time she doesn't even know is happening.

Maybe I should send her this post 'cause last night I just high fived her and said "Was good, yeah"! We're basically two boys underneath it all. My mum doesn't know what happened.

Today Mark's coming over from Liverpool and we're going to do some Christmas shopping in Manchester and go to the Christmas fair which is just amazing. I'm still undecided whether to get mulled wine or hot apple cider. I'll let you know. The bratwurst, however, is very much decided upon. And probably a Starbuck's gingerbread latte which I know is so cliche but don't worry, I've got my schtick down. When all those girls are getting excited about having a Starbuck's and taking pictures of each other in the comfy chairs I walk past scowl on my face like "Ugh, it wasn't like this in the early days. When was coming here, like, YEARS ago. What's so exciting about a freakin' latte anyhow" Then I sashay out thinking how cool I look with my red cup.

I am very rusty at this blogging shiz

2008-12-03T19:51:00.004Z

Here are my advent candles. Here are the two glass, Christmas coke bottles they were supposed to go into. Here are the two new candle holders I got from my work for 75p (Score!) Here one is shorter than the other because I tried to whittle it down to stick it in the coke bottle. Mark said that one is mine because I ruined it. The lovely boy.

Now for my review of the film, Four Christmases:

It was good. It made me laugh a lot. I don't think Vince Vaughn is good looking but I fancy him anyway. Reese Witherspoon looked weird at about two points in the film. I figured maybe those scenes were shot the day she got her hair died or something. I dunno, it really threw me off 'cause she almost looked like a different person. Jon Favreau was V funny. I didn't realise he was even in it. Also, I wanted it to be really Christmassy but it wasn't. So go and see it but don't expect Christmassy, mkay?

Wow. I could be, like, the next Barry Norman.

I was hoping to have my second post up a little sooner

2008-12-02T17:54:00.004Z

but I'm still fiddling about with the ruddy layout. Now I remember sitting here for about four hours changing the HTML letter...by letter...by letter... then hold breath, hit "preview"....dammit, still not right! And what with all the new gadgets and gizmos nowadays I reckon that four hours could easily increase to five. Or ten.

I'm going to see Four Christmases in 15 mins so maybe I'll have something witty to say about that later. Maybe?! I also want to tell you about my advent candles. But my camera needs batteries. It's just one thing after another isn't it?

Yikes, I did it again!*

2008-11-30T16:33:00.002Z

It's been a while, I've seriously slacked in my blog reading, I've forgotten how to edit HTML, my header's wonky and I'm pretty sure I have nothing to say but I'm back, hopefully for a while.

*I've been watching Home Alone. A lot.