I've decided that men love dirty girls, here are 8 reasons why

1. Tropical Batiste

Batiste is a dry shampoo that you spray on your hair when you haven't washed it for a couple of days (Okay, okay, a week......and a half) There are a few different "flavours" but I have had so many compliments from men when I have used the tropical one. The best being "OH MY GOD! YOU SMELL LIKE A FRUIT SALAD"

2. My Ex-housemate

This girl was ADORED by men. They would literally fawn all over her. But she was really, really scruffy. She ate a lot of tomatoes and would leave the pips and juice all over the work surface. Have you ever tried to get dried tomato pips off a kitchen work surface? I HAVE. You need a chisel and a blow torch for that shit.

3. My Other Ex-housemate

See above and add a piece of toast...on a broken plate...next to her bed...for two months.

4. The Vomit Snog

Three separate males have snogged me less than half an hour after witnessing me vomit (one during) I suppose this says something about me also but I don't care.

5. Prostitutes?

6. Non-straightened hair

One lad once said of my curly/wavy non-straightened hair "I like it, you look shagged out" erm, thanks?

7. Vajayjay as Perfume

I read once, in Cosmopolitain or some equally awful magazine, that you should stick your finger in there and then RUB IT BEHIND YOUR EARS to attract men with your natural pheromones.* That isn't just dirty, that's dirrrrrrty. And speaking of dirrrrrrty;

8. Men liked thisShe looks like she's been living under an oil rig.

*Do not google this. I reckon I'm on a register somewhere because of the weird shit I google.

A complaint I wrote on my iPhone on a 45 minute train ride that I feel is more deserving than the £10 gift card it elicited.

Dear Sir/Madam,

The service I witnessed this morning in your ***** coffee in Liverpool Station was so bad that I have to complain about it.

I joined the queue as it was nearly out of the door safe in the knowledge that I had nearly 25 minutes until my train so I could wait. After about 5 minutes however I realised I hadn't really moved much and began watching the staff to figure out what was going on.

They were basically the slowest human beings I've ever witnessed close up. It was like watching a live reenactment of a hangover. One guy was staring out of the window, flexing his shoulder as if he was concerned something was wrong with it. The second guy was cleaning up a massive spill he'd made and giggling about it, trying to attract the attention of his colleagues so they could have a giggle too. The girl was wandering about at a snails pace doing, well, I have no idea what she was doing. There were certainly no drinks being made.

I saw the first guy cut a customer off mid order as the girl came back behind the counter (no idea where she'd been) saying "actually, she'll serve you" then that customer had to wait another couple of minutes, while shoulder guy and giggle guy had a bit more of a giggle at the coffee machine, until the girl felt ready to turn around and serve.

Actually writing this now I don't know why I didn't leave. Caffeine is obviously a serious addiction.

So now it's my turn, thank god for that. The conversation that followed between me and the girl:

Me: "could I have a small iced mocha to take out please?"
The girl: "we only do small or medium"
Me: (confused) "....a small then?"

I asked if I could pay by card and she answered with a grunt and walked off. I took this to mean "yes certainly madam! Please place it in the card reader and wait for the prompt on screen" I'd spent so long in their habitat I was starting to understand the language, and the spillage all over the table was starting to look pretty funny as well (giggle giggle)

Back to the story, I stood there for another couple of minutes ignored until shoulder guy had to walk over and give me my receipt.

After a minute long search for ice the girl finally began to make my drink she sloshed a load of milk about (some of which landed in my cup) while I fretted about my train, which was now only 7 minutes away. As she completed the drink she knocked the lid on the floor then walked off, I assumed to get a new one but Id been in the presence of these people for about four days now - I should have known better! She just wandered about for a bit then until giggle guy stopped giggling long enough to realise it needed a lid and get one (took him a couple of tries to get the right size, bless him, but he got there in the end!)

So here I sit on the train, sweating because I had to run for it, sipping possibly the worst iced mocha (small) I've ever tasted. I'm going to have to throw it away, actually, I might spill it all over the train table, for a laugh.

Yours sincerely,

Sarah Jane

Would a fall from a first storey bathroom window kill a spider?

Just wondering.

So funny

There's been an advert on the telly...

...this past week for a one off programme called "My Weird and Wonderful Family" (Afraid I can't find it online to show you)

It's a documentary about a gay couple who have 3 children and I think there's been a lot of media interest in their situation over the years.

There's this one part of the advert where their oldest son (he seems about 8 or 9) says this:

"A boy at school said I was gay, and I said

'does it matter?'"

That one little quote has choked me up EVERY time.

If that clip isn't the best argument for allowing same sex couples to have/adopt/foster children then I don't know what is.

I love this blog

It's like a huge reminder of all the things I say I'm going to do but never did.

I know that should be depressing, but I find it quite funny. So funny, in fact, that I'm going to LOL all the way to my ROLFcopter.*

I heard a new phrase for fanny fart today - Hippo Giggles.

Isn't that beautiful? I just wanted to share it with you.

*I probably won't do this.

I don't understand a word you just said.

I'm back at my mum's house for the weekend.

Translation: I am sat in my pyjamas alone on a Saturday night with nothing fun to do, eat or drink. I feel like an 18 year old virgin again.

I do have internet access, though...hurrah!

But all that really means is I am googling "Jason Segel Girlfriend?" and refreshing Twitter every 40 seconds.

(I really fancy him. I don't know what it is.)

Anyway I got to thinking about when I used to blog loads and so did PoPo, MadEthel, Tim, Beebers, Rit...(I know VP, Jen and Pixie still blog I'm not leaving you out :)

Anyway I FUDGING loved those days. I wish I'd never deleted Fuzzy Muffin, I'd love to read through all that shit I wrote.

75 Points for naming the film the title's from.